The title says it all. Presented here in no particular order (apart from chronologically) are the ten stories which I wish could be removed from time and space.
The first two Dalek stories were magnificent in their own respective ways. They dedicated themselves to establishing the Daleks as genuinely threatening killing machines with no redeeming features. This story trounces that completely and decides to treat the Daleks as comic creatures. Terry Nation was never the show's best writer nor its most original one, but this is possibly his worst effort. It looks terrible, the acting is atrocious, the script is a travesty, the whole tone of the piece is far, far too silly and the music really doesn't help matters.
Boring. Very boring. So boring in fact that it could very possibly be bad for your health. Six episodes or dire drivel peppered with some almost eerie scenes in caves, although this hardly makes up for the rest of it. Jon Pertwee seems to be on autopilot for the most part, as if he's bored rigid with the whole affair, and it's wholly understandable. The script veers wildly between tolerable and cringe-inducing, the acting of most of the guest cast is unbelievably bad (step forward Rick James) and there is far too much dull politicking. There are one or two nice touches in this story but it's scant reward for enduring the rest of it.
"OUCH! BLOODY HELL THAT HURT"! This is a fairly common reaction to The Time Monster and quite frankly it isn't hard to see why. Nobody either in front of or behind the camera is taking this steaming great pile of shite remotely seriously and it shows. The guest cast are atrocious without exception. I'm very fond of Dudley Simpson as a composer, but there is more than enough evidence within these six episodes to form a case for having him shot. Watch the scenes with Kronos and weep. This is easily the worst story of the Pertwee Era. The Mutants isn't far off, but at least it was trying to be a serious drama. The Time Monster has no such delusions, it's shite and knows it.
Let me begin by saying that I actually quite like the Gel Guards, ridiculous as that may sound. Patrick Troughton is beyond criticism and his constant bitching with Pertwee is delightful. The rest of The Three Doctors is an endurance test and, as with The Time Monster, the pantomime elements are allowed to dominate, which is a big mistake in a story that is trying to engender a sense of universal doom. Stephen Thorne plays Omega as an unbelievably ranty, one-note maniac and is by far the most irritating aspect of the story.
It seems like a good idea on paper, but that's as far as it goes. The Sea Devils are atrociously realised, they function merely as lumbering monstrosities with lop-sided heads. Doctor Who and The Silurians and The Sea Devils are both classics, two of the finest stories of the Pertwee Era. Quite why it was necessary to tar their reputation with this pile of wanktwattery is beyond me. The acting is unconvincing at best. And then there is the Myrka... If you're one of those people who consider the Fifth Doctor to be an ineffectual waif who couldn't keep people alive, then this story will confirm that impression big time.
Depressing, rubbish Daleks, bad acting, horrendously OTT death scenes and dreary music combine to make this one of the least enjoyable Fifth Doctor stories. The body count is once again considerable. I personally have no problem with high body counts in Doctor Who - I actually quite like the brutality of it - but it isn't a good thing when so many people are dying because the Doctor is too ineffectual to keep people alive. I'm no Davison hater, but Resurrection of the Daleks makes it very easy to see why some people still consider him to be the wet vet.
I find it hard to sum up exactly how much I detest this story. How the hell did it ever get made? For sheer painful, cringe-inducing awfulness it trounces The Time Monster with consummate ease. Season 24 is easily one of the worst in the show's history and this cancerous growth is by far the worst part of it. It's too bright, too colourful, too cheesy and too camp. Keff McCulloch is far and away the worst composer who ever worked on the show and his music is yet another example of what was wrong with Doctor Who in this period. I don't know what this crime against humanity is, but it sure as hell isn't Doctor Who. Probably the single most awful story ever.
After Delta and the Bannermen, the only way was up, but not high enough it seems. It's a step in the right direction and the series is obviously trying to escape from the hellish pantomime that it has become, but it still isn't trying hard enough. Bad acting is almost a given in Season 24 and this story is no exception. Terrible scripting and unbelievable stupidity abound, a prime example being the end episode one when the Doctor, for no readily apparent reason, decides to climb over the railings and lower himself into a vast chasm.
A well-respected story in some corners of fandom, but not by me. Apparently, it's an allegory on gay rights or the Thatcher years or something along those lines. The inescapable fact is that it's buried in a surface layer of silliness which renders any allegorical intentions worthless. Although many scenes are tastefully underlit, many of them are not and the shoddiness of the production is constanly apparent. The scenes with the Kandyman are enjoyable and McCoy seems to be toning down the silliness, but it doesn't make up for the lamentable quality of the rest of it. I have no desire to see the TARDIS painted pink. Ever.
On the plus side, Battlefield looks quite impressive with lots of location filming and explosions. However, it is badly written and the acting isn't exactly thrilling either. Keff McCulloch's score is once again terrible. Quite why he was ever hired to work on the show, I will never know. Jean Marsh is quite impressive, but Mordred and Ancelyn are useless. The only blot on an otherwise superb season.
Guest Characters That Should Have Lived by Tim McCree 27/5/15
During the long run of Doctor Who, the Doctor has run across many characters in his travels. Some of these characters die, despite the efforts of the Doctor to save them. However, I feel that many of these characters should have been spared. Here are some guest characters that I feel should have lived.
Do you agree with this list? Do you have any characters of your own that you feel should have been kept out of the Grim Reaper's clutches? If so, feel free to make your own list.
11% of Doctor Who is Rubbish by Stephen Maslin 31/7/16
Doctor Who fans of times past had a reputation for, amongst many other things, loving the worst corners of their show almost as much as they loved the best. Unrealistic monsters and "wobbly sets" were, so we were told, part of the charm. There are occasions, however, when awfulness can go too far: when a guilty pleasure is merely guilty. While one is aware that there is a certain amount of "taste" involved in such matters, there may well be stories that are objectively crap. Here's ten that might fit the bill...
10 Fear Her
With New Who riding high both in awards ceremonies and in the public consciousness, mid Season 2006 showed us the first signs of it becoming too self-congratulatory for its own good. Fear Her is a poor story by anyone's standards, but what elevates it below the average is its saccharin-cheesy Olympic torch ending. Oh. My. Lord. Was there anyone who didn't barf out the contents of their stomach while watching it? Utterly vile.
A second consecutive dreadful season opener for the Fifth Doctor and by far the worst. Peter Davison deserves a medal for hiding his embarrassment so well. What a pity the rest of us can't. If anyone gets into an argument about whether 'Classic Who' was actually any good, one picture of the Myrka and the argument is lost.
Even though a third of it was written by the great Robert Holmes, this is a depressing and inept heap of dung, all the worse when one remembers that this overblown self-regarding tosh was the rejoinder to potential cancellation. A six-hour suicide note.
An impossible choice: which of the last three extant stories of Season 17 should be included here? At least Creature from the Pit has a few nice lines of dialogue and Nightmare of Eden has David Daker in the support cast. The Horns of Nimon has no such redeeming feature. About the only positive thing one can say is that Lalla Ward is wearing a nice outfit, which is like saying that someone in Ed Wood's 'Plan 9 From Outer Space' has a nice pair of shoes. The rest of it is bilge.
Wallace and Gromit films are rightly lauded for their visual style, so much so that one ignores the fact that the dialogue is actually very poor. From 'The Wrong Trousers' onwards, they were all co-written by Bob Nightmare of Eden Baker, one half of 70s Who stalwarts Baker & Martin. As with Wallace and Gromit, the astonishing visual style of Baker & Martin's Doctor Who debut The Claws of Axos obscures deficiencies elsewhere. When that visual style is absent, what you are left with is their second story, The Mutants. Dreary, interminable and desperately ordinary. It makes one wonder how the show survived the Pertwee era at all.
Even though I had been out of the loop with Doctor Who for a quite a while before sitting down to this Christmas 'treat', the second we met Astrid, I knew precisely what her fate would be: to save the day with heroic self-sacrifice. I was, of course, absolutely correct. (I was also right in predicting that I would not be emotionally engaged by her demise one iota.) Predictability is tedious at the best of times but in Doctor Who it's a crime.
One finds it hard to dislike the McCoy era: it's usually only bad in a "What the F" Time and the Rani kind of way, or in a "Sooo-80s" Greatest Show in the Galaxy kind of way. There's almost nothing that is actually hateful. No, not even Battlefield. The major exception to this is Ghost Light: not merely pretentious and incomprehensible but so edited as to be completely unwatchable. Worse, the solution to this unwatchability was to smother it with the most obtrusive musical score this side of Murray Gold.
During the three years or so of the Fifth Doctor era, average audiences dropped from about 9.25 million to just over 7.0 million and with a change of lead actor looming on the horizon, drastic action was needed. Alas, cynicism outstripped imagination and someone decided that the best way to get people watching again was to cast a buxom young lady and put her in a bikini. Well, guess what? It didn't stop the show from failing: what it did do was make it sleazy and contemptible.
Twuly dweadful. You can't wealistically leave this off any worst list. Impwessive in just how often it hits the 'wholly unacceptable' level. One would think that, after the howwendous opening few minutes, things could only impwove but no, not wemotely. Ghastly, weally weally ghastly, wight up to end.
It's not just the toe-curling 'comedy' intro, nor Peter Kay in that pathetic costume, nor the writer forcing the mediocre music of his youth on an unsuspecting public, nor even the underlying misogyny at the heart of it all. It is all of the above. Mostly though it's that while every single thing this story attempts fails miserably, the production crew seem to be slapping themselves so heartily on the back for it. One of the most complacent pieces of television ever made (and only six short weeks after The Girl in the Fireplace).
Bubbling Under:
11 Four to Doomsday (the dancing disaster)
12 The Monster of Peladon (once more without feeling)
13 Full Circle (slaughter those damn youths)
14 Dragonfire (the land of cardboard ice and cardboard acting)
15 Timelash (the worst story of a very bad season)
16 The Day of the Doctor (The War Doctor, for f*ck's sake...)
17 Mawdryn Undead (death by Kingsland)
18 The Dominators (never bicker)
19 Nightmare of Eden (fiddling while Rome burns and fiddling very badly)
20 The Daleks' Master Plan (nasty, brutish and very, very long)
21 Arc of Infinity (just kill me)
22 Death to the Daleks (but what have you done for us lately?)
23 Journey's End (cheese!)
24 Creature from the Pit (what were they thinking?)
25 all the Sixth Doctor stories not already mentioned
oh, and every single minute of Torchwood
Let Me Say, Before It Has To Go by Stephen Maslin 6/9/16
2005 killed a certain kind of Doctor Who fandom stone dead; that kind of obsessive re-examining of a once living and breathing entity that had turned to stone. In homage to those barren times, when fans traded favourite companion lists and argued about UNIT dating, here is one last 'Best of': an indulgently subjective Top Ten. (If I had included 21st century TV Who in the list of possibles, the final ten would have looked pretty much the same. The Girl in the Fireplace might have made the cut. Or the bits of The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances without Captain Jack. Might have...)
10. The Invasion.
It took me a long time to recognize just how great a story this actually is. In fact, I didn't realize until seeing the DVD trailer with the animated reconstruction. Far from seeming forced or out of place, they seemed to underline the iconic status of its original enduring images. So, with shiny new DVD in hand, I went back to re-watch the whole thing. Perhaps its superb animated sequences give The Invasion an unfair advantage over its limping stablemates in Season 6, but I think it's more a question of personnel (particularly Messrs Courtney, Stoney and Halliday) and of direction (Douglas Camfield; who else?). Were we to have the entirety of the Troughton era restored (which is, alas, never going to happen), one might find oneself opting for Fury From the Deep or one of the gems from late Season 4, but, as it stands, this is one the best Troughton experiences available to us.
Dr Where: Sadly, in the year the DVD was released, Giles Gilbert Scott's magnificent Park Royal Guinness Brewery, where a lot of The Invasion was filmed, was demolished, denying fans one of the show's finest former locations.
9. Castrovalva.
Okay, so the beginning is a bit embarrassing (Zman153's Youtube video 'Yakkety-valva' gets it spot on). Yet once it gets going (somewhere in the middle of part 2), Castrovalva is an engaging little story. For all the wandering around and the Ainley-Waterhouse School of Over-Acting, C H Bidmead nevertheless achieves his most successful scientific mystery, with a uniquely plaintive mood. The scenes set in Castrovalva itself are like nothing else, and for once Paddy Kingsland doesn't wreck everything.
Dr Where: In case you didn't know, Castrovalva is a real place (in Abruzzo, Italy) and really is on top of a steep cliff. Nearest train station: Anversa Vilalago Scanno (on the Roma-Sulmona-Pescara Railway).
8. Pyramids of Mars.
Such a colossus at only number 8? For all the glories of its earlier stages, Pyramids really does fizzle out in Episode 4. Yet balance that against its manifold virtues. I don't need to list them here. You either know all about them already or are in that oh so fortunate position of being yet to discover them. If you are the latter, go out and buy it this minute. If you are the former, go and watch it again: you deserve it.
Dr Where: It's hard to imagine any other programme of its time (or since) making such a geographical juxtaposition as 'Egypt comes to the English countryside via Mars'. Doing so while only occasionally seeming preposterous really is achieving the impossible.
Quite simply a joy. The familiar rendered unfamiliar; the unfamiliar rendered hilarious and, surprise, surprise, a scary monster that is actually scary. Throw in a cast made up almost entirely of hugely memorable characters and you have a 'Classic Who' experience that is hard to beat.
Dr Where: The scenes aboard the SS Bernice were filmed aboard the RFA Robert Dundas on its very last voyage, on its way to be scrapped. The odd camera angles are the result of the director avoiding views of the banks of the un-oceanic River Medway.
6. The Sun Makers.
This really shouldn't be any good; the budget is spread so thin you can almost see through the video tape. Yet it should have been an object lesson for late 70s Who: having virtually no money does not mean that you have an excuse for bad telly. Needless to say, even with Robert Holmes' superb morally ambiguous script, and Tom Baker and Louise Jameson on top form, it is Henry Woolf's Collector that steals the show.
Dr Where: Once upon a time, everybody in Britain smoked, and, to prove it, the largest cigarette factory in Europe once stood on the outskirts of Bristol. For three days in June 1977, it was annexed to the dwarf planet Pluto. Part of it has since been demolished, part converted into a theatre and part converted into (ominous chords) 'luxury apartments'.
5. The War Machines.
Resonantly nostalgic (London as it was, Britain as it was), with many intriguing undercurrents: the legend of its recovery and the ingenuity of its restoration; the curious asymmetry (including a companion unceremoniously dumped half way through); the innocence; the simplicity (simple exterior shots assume the status of visual poetry); the last great performance of William Hartnell. More than all of that, Michael Craze and Anneke Wills, with whom Doctor Who finally arrives in the modern age.
Dr Where: The unabashed 'newness' of The War Machines is underlined by the relative newness of where its exterior shots were filmed: not new in relation to the age of its buildings but to the age of its nomenclature. Fitzrovia (sandwiched between Regent's Park to the north, Marylebone to the west, Bloomsbury to the east and Soho to the south) was not so named until relatively recently, some time in the 1930s. Thus we have a ready-made subtitle: The War Machines - Death in Fitzrovia.
A script that manages to out-Holmes Robert Holmes, the last note-perfect Tom Baker performance and the peerless Count Grendel ("a certain... courtesy"), all set in a dreamy endless summer at Leeds Castle. If only we could CGI that damned Woodbeast into some level of acceptability, this would be perfection.
Dr Where: To say that Leeds Castle is steeped in history is a massive understatement. It is also one Doctor Who location that needs less suspension of disbelief than most. The gift shop, however, should consider stocking some Count Grendel action figures (and an inflatable Wood-Beast).
3. The Web of Fear.
The news in 2013 that all but one episode was back, back, back was a truly wonderful surprise and, contrary to some understandable trepidation, The Web of Fear did not disappoint. Patrick Troughton simply could not be better, nor could the claustrophobic setting be better realized. Glorious.
Dr Where: If The War Machines belongs to Fitzrovia, then The Web of Fear belongs to Covent Garden and its Old Market (where there were, until 1974, always a few empty crates and boxes for a stray yeti to knock over). The market may have moved but Covent Garden is still home to the Royal Opera House, which has little or no connection here. For opera (space opera or otherwise) The Web is not. It's so down-to-earth, its underground.
2. The Time Warrior.
So you thought Robert Holmes wasn't at home doing historicals? To be fair, neither did he, but just look at the result! Laugh out loud funny (even the walk-ons get great lines: "A courtly rogue"), chock-full of marvellous characters (Professor Rubeish is one of my favourite characters in all television), with Kevin Lindsay and David Daker as the finest bipedal villains since The War Games. All that plus Sarah Jane Smith's arrival - neither patronizing nor tokenistic - makes this something truly delicious.
Dr Where: In 2011, a failed property tycoon caused a huge fire at his own wedding reception being held at Peckforton Castle (where The Time Warrior's exterior shots were filmed). One can't imagine anyone who had seen The Time Warrior, no matter how drunk, no matter how brain-dead, to have been capable of such a deed. One can imagine him muttering "No one calls Irongron a fool" as he struck the match.
Perfect everything. Baker, Banks Stewart, Burgon, Camfield, Courtney, Hinchcliffe, Holmes, Marter, Sladen. Plus the best-designed alien menace in the show's history. Scary yet charming, and both beautiful to look at and to listen to. Heaven.
Dr Where: T of the Zs was filmed in West Sussex on Britain's south coast, 300 miles south of the Scottish border. Tulloch Moor is not real. Yet if you take the West Highland Line north from Glasgow, there is a remote station called 'Tulloch', though the surrounding land is described as an 'area' rather than a moor. The station is about 16 miles due south as the crow flies from Fort Augustus on the southern tip of Loch Ness. Near enough for a cyborg Nessie to do a spot of commuting - when it's ordered to. They really should put up a plaque.
Bubbling under: 11. Spearhead From Space; 12. The Ribos Operation; 13. The Visitation; 14. Warriors' Gate; 15. The Time Meddler; 16. The Ark in Space; 17. Black Orchid; 18. The Robots of Death; 19. The Enemy of the World; 20. The Seeds of Doom. 21. The Green Death. 22. The Deadly Assassin. 23. The Caves of Androzani. 24. The Talons of Weng-Chiang. 25. Kinda... and every single one of The Sarah Jane Adventures.
Top Ten Stories That Never Got Made by S Maslin 20/10/16
Choose any season of Doctor Who (quite possibly any season of anything) and you can usually pick at least one story that could have been done a lot better... or that shouldn't be there at all. Sometimes the seasonal flaw is easy to spot: The Dominators, Colony in Space, The Mutants, The Armageddon Factor, Four to Doomsday, Arc of Infinity. Sometimes it's a little more difficult: Death to the Daleks or Monster of Peladon? The Invisible Enemy or Underworld? Meglos or Full Circle? Warriors of the Deep or Planet of Fire? Sometimes it's impossible: is there really anything from Tom Baker's first three seasons that one could really live without? Sometimes you really are spoilt for choice, as in Season 17. Sometimes it's contentious: is Planet of the Daleks really that bad? Sometimes it's controversial: I'd get rid of at least half of Inferno from Season 7 but I doubt anyone else would.
But all this raises a question: what would you have put in its place?
Throughout its long history, there have been many Doctor Who scripts that have fallen on stony ground. Some deservedly so (the grandiose, the stupid, the just plain dull), but there have been others that give us tantalizing glimpses of alternative reality: in which Season 12 is 26 episodes long; in which Arc of Infinity doesn't exist; in which there is no such thing as Full Circle; in which Invasion of the Dinosaurs isn't "of dinosaurs" at all; in which Season 17 is actually quite good; in which there are three Yeti stories instead of two; in which the twentieth anniversary is something about which one could have felt genuinely proud.
Take a look at any of the lists of unmade stories that you can find on the net and dream a little...
10
Avenging Angel
Robert Sloman
(4th Doctor, Sarah & Harry)
What We Got Instead: a truncated Season 12.
Though almost nothing is known about this story's content (the author doesn't even remember), its name still comes as something of a shock. We are so used to REVENGE + OF + THE + DALEKS type titles (more than half of 1970s Doctor Who is named this way) that AVENGING + ANGEL is really unexpected. Whether the angel in question was to have been a Devil's End Old-Testament angel or more of a Newton Research mythical creature is anyone's guess. Perhaps even some Barry Letts Buddhist thingy. (Do Buddhists even have angels?) Alternatively, if Terror of the Zygons had been the finale to Season 12 (which it is in all but name), then what would have filled the hole left in Season 13? One of the scripts that got closest to production was The Nightmare Planet by the extraordinarily prolific Dennis Spooner, who'd spent the previous decade or so churning 'em out for ITC.
9
The Place Where All Times Meet
Colin Davis
(5th Doctor, Nyssa & Tegan)
What We Got Instead: Arc of Infinity.
Another fab name, though the details of this story are a little vague: English countryside, different periods of history happening at the same time, that's about it. Whatever the content, there are at least three Season 20 stories for which, however poorly realized, it would have been a worthy replacement. Certainly better than the season opener and (minus the price of a few dozen ferry tickets to Holland) cheaper too. Indeed, what Season 20 lacked was a down-to-Earth story (for Earth, read the south-east of England): the story that Mawdryn Undead should have been (without the Black Guardian and his dead bird, without the suspension of disbelief needed to make Mark Strickson of schoolboy age and without the execrable musical homicide of Paddy Kingsland).
8
Aliens in the Blood
Robert Holmes
(2nd Doctor, Jamie & Zoe)
What We Got Instead: The Space Pirates.
This 'Human Version 2' story leaps out on paper as potentially a true classic. Why the production opted for Robert Holmes' other script The Space Pirates and rejected this is puzzling. (Possibly a little too adult?) Surprisingly, Aliens in the Blood was actually made but as a non-Doctor radio serial called 'Aliens in the Mind', starring Peter Cushing (a belated sequel to Daleks - Invasion Earth: 2150 A.D. perhaps). No, I haven't heard it either, but it's available as a 3 CD set on Amazon.co.uk. (4 and 5 star reviews but a truly appalling front cover).
7
Psychonauts
David Fisher
(4th Doctor & Romana 2)
What We Got Instead: Two duff stories in an otherwise fine season.
Part of JNT's brief for Season 18 seems to have been the blooding of new writers, which is perhaps why we only got one David Fisher script. With hindsight, we really should have had two, for it is unlikely that the Psychonauts (creatures who time travel in "sarcophagi-like sleep chambers") could have been worse than Meglos or the infuriating teens of Full Circle. (One wonders how many folks who had been mildly intrigued by The Leisure Hive had their patience tried beyond belief by the subsequent couple of stories and missed out on the rest.)
6
The Enemy Within
Christopher Priest
(5th Doctor, Nyssa, Tegan & Adric)
What We Got Instead: Earthshock.
At least we got a decent story instead of this one, but nonetheless The Enemy Within was the last chance we had of involving award-winning sci-fi novelist Christopher Priest. The events surrounding the script's development were more than a little acrimonious - lack of payment, slander - but this still goes down as an opportunity missed. (See also #1.) Read any of Priest's novels of the late 70s - The Inverted World, The Space Machine and A Dream of Wessex - and it's easy to see why an ambitious producer might have thought him suitable. It's also easy to see why compromises could not be reached.
5
Bridgehead From Space
Malcolm Hulke
(3rd Doctor & Sarah Jane)
What We Got Instead: Invasion of the Dinosaurs.
Though this original draft is not quite 'same story minus cringeable dinos', it's near enough to initiate a sigh or two. Just think what it could have meant: those scenes of deserted London, the excellent plot, one of UNIT's finest stories, all without that sinking feeling every time something turns up from the Jurassic period. One remembers the over-optimism that presaged the DVD release of Invasion of the Dinosaurs: fervent hopes that the BBC could somehow justify the expense of doing a CGI job on one or more of those pesky Jurassics. To be fair, it's only the T-Rex-cum-Allosaurus that really needed it. (One can forgive the Stegosaurus and the Brontosaurus - which is after all "large and placid" - just standing about. Even the Pterodactyls are fine. It's just the numero uno dino threato that lets the side down.)
4
Into the Comet
James Follett
(4th Doctor & Romana 2)
What We Got Instead: Horns of the Nightmare Creature.
Fascinating possibilities (a race that lives on a comet and is unaware of the rest of the universe), though it is distinctly possible that this story would have got the Douglas Adams treatment like the rest of Season 17. One wonders whether Mr Adams would have found it harder to silly-up the script of such a well-known novelist. (The true soul of a lost Season 17 actually exists in print: in Gareth Roberts' trilogy of Missing Adventures novels, the pick of which is The English Way of Death, and in Jonathan Morris' superbly convoluted Festival of Death.)
3
Laird of the Clan McCrimmon
Haisman & Lincoln
(2nd Doctor, Jamie & Zoe)
What We Got Instead: a much longer version of The War Games.
This was to be the third part of a 'Yeti Trilogy' and a romantic send-off for Jamie. Ooh-er! Yet with Haisman and Lincoln stamping their feet over The Dominators, it became another one of Season 6's dead-ends. (The completion of the trilogy was ultimately left to Marc Platt, in the independent video Downtime and its subsequent novelization.) Laird of the Clan McCrimmon would have seen the Yeti back on familiar ground, the Scottish Highlands being much more a home from home than the London Underground (or a lavatory in Tooting Bec). It could have been a genuinely heart-rending affair, though it is doubtful that Jamie's departure could have been any more devastating than he and Zoe leaving at the end of The War Games.
2
The Six Doctors
Robert Holmes
What We Got Instead: The Five Doctors.
If only for the title, this immediately looks more intriguing than the drab sequence of cameos that was presented as the twentieth anniversary romp. THE + NUMBER + DOCTORS have never fared well as stories: TWO has, in spite of Patrick, Frazer and Robert H, the aroma of soiled plastic; THREE was better but looks very cheap; FOUR (a Big Finish freebie penned by Peter Anghelides) is in parts clever but narratively all over the place; FIVE is clunkingly episodic and so crammed with old friends that there's no room for entertainment; EIGHT is an occasionally uplifting novel, but drowned in a swamp of navel-gazing and incompetent youth-pandering. The best of them is Big Finish's The One Doctor - a Doctor Who comedy that is actually funny. Maybe SIX would have been the best of them all. (Whether there'll ever be sufficient surviving Docs in one place to make a SEVEN or even a NINE is, alas, unlikely.).
1
Sealed Orders
Christopher Priest
(4th Doctor, Romana 2 & Adric)
What We Got Instead: Warriors' Gate
Fair enough, the farewell that Romana actually got is Season 18's standout story, but there remains a great deal of mystique surrounding Christopher Priest's first submission for the show, not least what the sealed orders of the title actually were. Rumours went around that the orders concerned the Doctor having to kill Romana. One can only imagine the emotionals scars had that ever been allowed to happen. She was, after all, the noblest Romana of them all (which I always thought was kind of tough on Mary Tamm - and not very funny).
BUBBLING UNDER
11 The Doomsday Contract (John Lloyd), 12 The New Armada (David Whitaker), 13 The Lost Legion (Douglas Camfield), 14 Poison (Rod Beecham), 15 The Furies (Ian Stuart Black), 16 The Tearing of the Veil (Alan Dury), 17 Rogue Tardis (Barbara Clegg), 18 Manwatch (Christopher Bailey), 19 The Krikkitmen (Douglas Adams)...
...and of course, Doctor Who Meets Scatchman (Tom Baker and Ian Marter).
GOOD NEWS
Big Finish made it their business to resurrect 30 or so long neglected scripts in their 'Lost Adventures' range. Initially, this gave us an eight-story 'season' of unremarkable Sixth Doctor stories but then branched out to include earlier stuff, using the partly narrated format they had used for the Companion Chronicles range, along with some Fourth and Seventh Doctor stories. Sadly, there's no escaping the fact that when listening to those featuring the first three Doctors, one is continually aware of their absence. Still, it is a genuine pleasure to hear unmade scripts by Morris Farhi, Brain Hayles, Robert Banks Stewart, Philip Hinchcliffe, Barbara Clegg, Christopher Bailey and others finally come to life.
Best Covers of the Novel Ranges by Joe Briggs-Ritchie 20/12/18
Cat's Cat's: Time's Crucible - Wonderful imagery of Ace pushing a bicycle through the ruins of a city of imposing towers. The purple/blue hues contrast lovely with the white/silver.
Cat's Cradle: Witch Mark - The finest of all the NA covers and one of the finest pieces of Doctor Who artwork in general. Mountains, a beautiful sunset a, unicorn emerging from a stone circle and the TARDIS to remind us that this is still a Doctor Who novel! Beautiful.
Nightshade - An giant insectoid creature busting through your wall is all very well, but what really sells this cover to me is the radio telescope on the hill in the hazy evening sunlight above the lamplit streets of Crook Marsham.
Transit - The TARDIS on the platform of what looks like a tube station while a floating robot menaces Kadiatu. Mysterious, cyberpunky and grimy. The low angle is cool too.
Deceit - Even if it doesn't exactly match the scene in the book, the screaming faces carved out of asteroids makes this a very memorable cover.
Lucifer Rising - Fairly dark in its colour palette, but I do like the layout of it, and the backdrop of Lucifer and the spaceships is great.
The Crystal Bucephalus - Alister Pearson produced some of Doctor Who's very best artwork. The portrait of the Fifth Doctor in an alternative outfit really stands out, and the image of the TARDIS in the Bucephalus is suitably gothic.
The Janus Conjunction - The solar eclipse and the blue sands make for very atmospheric imagery.
The Turing Test - Eye-catching vibrant red above the gold light emanating from the swastika and the illuminated letters on the Enigma machine. Love it!
Trading Futures - Doctor Who does James Bond; what's not to love?
The Last Resort - A desert full of TARDISes with some pyramids, as an alien spacecraft descends from above.
Sometime Never - A skeleton made of crystal cannot possibly fail to look amazing.
Heart of TARDIS - The TARDIS at the centre of the vortex draws the eye.
Festival of Death - An effective monochrome cover with an angel of death.
Palace of the Red Sun - I can't resist covers that feature hazy evening sun. The silhouetted figures walking towards the palace is the icing on the cake.
The Best Doctor Who Novels by Joe Briggs-Ritchie 18/2/19
The Highest Science - An excellent mix of whimsical humour and hard sci-fi, by turns flippant and sinister. Notable for being the novel which introduced the Chelonians to Doctor Who, this is one of the most accessible of the early NAs.
Lucifer Rising - A lengthy novel and all the better for it. This is wonderful science fiction, exploring the ideas of morphic fields and extra dimensional beings against a backdrop of human drama and the angst and mistrust of the TARDIS crew.
Falls the Shadow - Dark, metaphysical and not the easiest read, but well worth the effort. It's essentially a rather abstract take on the haunted-house genre, with a trip to another dimension thrown in for good measure. Falls the Shadow is one of the longest NAs and also one of the most characteristically experimental. If you're a traditionalist, then you probably won't enjoy this at all, it's about as far from trad Who as it's possible to get. A very atmospheric and unashamedly brutal work that demands your complete attention, and, for my money, one of the defining books of the New Adventures line.
Set Piece - Ace's departure story manages to take in Ancient Egypt, 18th Century France, a living spacecraft, mechanical ants, Kadiatu, time rifts... It's always going to be best known for being Ace's final adventure, but, even apart from that, it's a fantastic story.
The Romance of Crime - The witty touches with which Gareth Roberts peppered The Highest Science are brought right to the fore, as he effortlessly brings Season 17 to life. It's easily one of the best evocations of any season from televised Doctor Who. It's got Douglas Adams' influence all over it, and this can only be a good thing.
The Sands of Time - Attempting a sequel to Pyramids of Mars takes some balls. The fact that it works so well is testament to Justin Richards' skill as a writer. Nyssa is sidelined completely, although in a way which is cleverly central to the plot. He expands upon what we learnt of the Osirans in Pyramids of Mars but still manages to tell his own story, making this one of the best Missing Adventures.
Illegal Alien - There isn't anything pioneering or groundbreaking about Illegal Alien; it's a fairly straightforward runaround involving the Cybermen in wartime London. But this doesn't matter. Mike Tucker & Robert Perry tell the story in such a captivating manner - with well-written regulars, cool Cybermen, a good dose of gruesome horror and some truly memorable scenes - that it emerges as one of the very best of the PDAs. Ridiculously enjoyable, page-turning stuff.
Alien Bodies - The first five novels of the EDA range were fairly average. Then we reach Alien Bodies, and everything changes. This is a book about death and, more specifically, the Doctor's death. Throw in some fantastic characters, decent backstories and some shocking revelations about Sam, and you have a fantastic novel. Even the Krotons manage to come across as a credible threat. It's one of the most important and far-reaching Doctor Who novels ever written, and its influence will be felt in one way or another for the entirety of the EDA range. If you're serious about the Doctor Who novels, then you simply can't afford to overlook this one.
The Hollow Men - Killer scarecrows, alien invasions, genetic experiments, mental powers, creepy villages, gothic horror... As with Illegal Alien, this is a page-turning Seventh Doctor novel. Creepy stuff.
Zeta Major - The effect that the Doctor can have on other cultures is explored here as a throwaway line from Planet of Evil has profound consequences for the Morestran Empire. The world building and sense of scale is very effective, and it builds to an effective climax. It also makes use not just of regular prose and dialogue but also transcripts, communiques and also some footage from Planet of Evil (honestly). It's a world away from Simon Messingham's debut novel, the dreadful Strange England.
Interference - The seeds that were sown in Alien Bodies finally come to fruition as Faction Paradox make their presence felt. It's a harder read than Alien Bodies, due to its huge length and heavy prose, but it's another milestone in the canon, making drastic changes to the Doctor's past and setting in motion in events that will have gargantuan consequences in The Ancestor Cell. Challenging, but essential.
Festival of Death - Very much in the style of Gareth Roberts' novels, this is essentially a love letter to Season 17, with its wacky plot, wonderful dialogue and absolutely bang-on characterisation of the Fourth Doctor and Romana. The ultimate in Doctor Who comfort reading.
The Turing Test - The tale of the amnesiac Eighth Doctor is told from the perspective of historical figures Alan Turing, Graham Greene and Joseph Heller. This is not a traditional-style Who novel; there are no monsters as such, and instead the story relies on superb characters and and intrigue. It's probably Paul Leonard's best book and perhaps as close as the DW novels come to serious literature.
Eater of Wasps - The grand Doctor Who tradition of the apocalypse in the quaint English village is always good for another go. This time around, it involves killer mutant wasps and a time-travelling hit squad from the far future. Truth be told, there's nothing really innovative about it, and, in the grand scheme of things, it's a rather pedestrian affair. But it's written with such engaging charm and conviction that it really doesn't matter, and there is no escaping that this is a very effective piece of horror.
Anachrophobia - Another classic Doctor Who staple is the base under seige, and this is quite possibly one of the best examples from the novels. Jonathan Morris, who gave us the fun and breezy Festival of Death, here turns in a sinister and claustrophobic tale with a nice twist at the end, linking it neatly into the Sabbath Arc.
Which Dozen EDAs Do You Actually Need? compiled by Stephen Maslin 28/11/22
Seeing I by Jonathan Blum and Kate Orman
'...this is the best eighth Doctor novel that BBC Books have yet published. Kate Orman and Jon Blum have produced a superb novel that at last answers the critics who have said that this Doctor and companion are a bland combination...'
from Character Building by Eddie Robson 8/6/98
Interference (two-book series) by Lawrence Miles
'...this is essential reading, and is something of a pivot point for the EDA series. Buy it, read it, and spend the next week or so digesting it...'
from It's so bloody big by Mike Morris 27/8/99
The Burning by Justin Richards
'It's exactly as promised. A new start, with a sense of freshness about it that's long overdue, a solid story and a fascinating Doctor.'
from A new body, at last! by Robert Smith? 17/9/00
The Casualties of War by Steve Emmerson
'...it felt real. On finishing the book, I almost felt as if I'd just spent a holiday in Hawkswick rather than merely reading about the place. Even the eighth Doctor is described as a rich and complex character'
from A Review by Finn Clark 12/9/00
The City of the Dead by Lloyd Rose
'...flows beautifully, and takes the reader on a ride of twists and turns with prose that dances around you'
from Five out of Five by Jamas Enright 30/1/02
Anachrophobia by Jonathan Morris
'If I had to write a one word review it would be wow. This is a gripping cumulation of everything the EDA's have been in the past year. We are still being rewarded for our patience for sticking with the series. I was glued to this book... even if you despise Paul McGann in print, buy this book now!'
from Who would have gussed...? by Joe Ford 2/4/02
The Crooked World by Steve Lyons
'...unbelievably entertaining and unexpectedly touching.'
from The Six Degrees of Streaky Bacon by Andrew McCaffrey 19/8/02
Camera Obscura by Lloyd Rose
'...an utterly sublime book that puts the rest of the Doctor Who authors to shame. It's got it all: fabulous regulars, great characterisation, creepy settings and monsters, laugh out loud jokes and is fantastically written.'
from Exquisite. Absolutely exquisite. by Robert Smith? 8/11/03
The Tomorrow Windows by Jonathan Morris
'...a killingly funny book... The prose is masterful'
from "I am your God!" by Joe Ford 8/7/04
The Sleep of Reason by Martin Day
'Challenging and highly intriguing, in equal measures... one of the boldest novels in the range'
from A Review by Richard Radcliffe 26/10/04
The Deadstone Memorial by Trevor Baxendale
'...this book had me at the edge of my seat... The plot has many twists and turns... An excellent read.'
from A Review by Donald McCarthy 14/3/05
POSTSCRIPT
Which dozen EDAs should be thrown from the window of a speeding train?
Grimm Reality by Simon Bucher-Jones and Kelly Hale
'...a very sloppy production, and one with very few redeeming features.'
from A Review by Brett Walther 13/11/03
AND
The Council of Eight arc (from Time Zero through to Sometime Never...)
'...leaves me cold...'
from So Much More Than Just The TV Movie by Stephen Maslin 19/10/10
AND
Paul Magrs (The Scarlet Empress, The Blue Angel, Mad Dogs and Englishmen)
'Magrs seems to want to be seen to be disdainful. There's a certain smug superiority that oozes off the paper in spots, as though the author is saying, "Look, this stuff is all crap, really... you can't be one of those saddos that sincerely likes the stuff, can you?"'
from Retrospective: Paul Magrs by John Seavey 31/12/03
Which Dozen PDAs Do You Actually Need? compiled by Stephen Maslin 20/12/22
Re-reimagining Season 27, #1 Illegal Alien by Robert Perry & Michael Tucker
'...a refreshingly different war-time story with proper Cybermen...'
from A Review by Steve White 24/5/13
Re-reimagining Season 27, #2 The Hollow Men by Keith Topping & Martin Day
'...a skilfully crafted recreation of the McCoy era'
from Worzel Gummidge 2 -- The Revenge by Marcus Salisbury 21/10/02
Re-reimagining Season 27, #3 Matrix by Robert Perry and Mike Tucker
'...a heady mix of Kafka, Lovecraft and Dickens... one of the best attempts at horror in Doctor Who fiction'
from A Review by Brian May 20/3/05
Re-reimagining Season 27, #4 Storm Harvest by Robert Perry & Mike Tucker
'...good, honest excitement... a solid piece of storytelling'
from A Review by Finn Clark 20/6/99
Re-reimagining Season 27, #5 Prime Time by Mike Tucker
'...nice twists and a nice setting... really kept me interested'
from A Review by Jack Zarin-Rosenfeld 15/8/00
Re-reimagining Season 27, #6 Relative Dementias by Mark Michalowski
'...a surprisingly mature book... Colour me officially impressed'
from Relatively good by Robert Smith? 1/11/02
Re-reimagining Season 27, #7 Heritage by Dale Smith
'I loved every word of this book, from beginning to end. Seriously, this might just be the most perfect Doctor Who book I've ever read. Not a single thing feels out of place...'
from Utterly fantastic by Robert Smith? 4/2/04
Re-reimagining Season 27, #8 The Algebra of Ice by Lloyd Rose
'A very intriguing book...'
from A girlie perspective by Kathryn Young 19/11/04
The Infinity Doctors by Lance Parkin
'...Parkin's manifesto for the liberatory possibilities of postmodern continuity obsessiveness, showcasing the freedom that comes from assuming that everything in Doctor Who as a text is 'real', no matter how mutually contradictory... It's also just a huge amount of fun. It's inventive, it's intelligent, its heart is in the right place...'
from A part of him has to stay by Hugh Sturgess 14/11/18
Festival of Death by Jonathan Morris
'...takes the mantle of Gareth Roberts and wears it with distinction... a plot truly-mindboggling in its twists and turns'
from In a Word, Marvellous by Tammy Potash 6/11/00
Wolfsbane by Jacqueline Rayner
'Quite simply a joy.'
from Two for the price of one! by Joe Ford 6/11/03
The Time Travellers by Simon Guerrier
'...a standout novel. While the characterizations of the TARDIS crew, the scientific explanations, the occasional run-arounds and even the title itself are all evocative of an era in the past, other elements such as the time-travel paradox, a big reveal that comes out as a consequence, its setting during much of its length, pacing, even its prologue and epilogue bring to mind the Who of the present day... a story that blends the past with the present and comes out all the better for doing so.'
from These Times They Are a Changin' by Matthew Kresal 29/3/15
POSTSCRIPT
Which half-dozen PDAs should be cast unto the flames?
The Murder Game and The Final Sanction by Steve Lyons
The normally reliable (and occasionally brilliant) Steve Lyons gets fixated on his own rather silly creation, the Selachians. Twice. First kill your horse, then flog it.
AND
Players and World Game by Terrance Dicks
The normally reliable (and occasionally brilliant) Terrance Dicks gets fixated on his own rather silly creation, the Players. Twice. First kill your horse, etc., etc.
AND
Verdigris by Paul Magrs
'...avoid this moronic rubbish and the world will be a better place'
from A trashing (oh all right then, a review) by Mike Morris 12/11/00
AND
Ten Little Aliens by Stephen Cole
'...just another outer-space action run-around... Basically, a bunch of instantly forgettable Space Marines (nine humans and a stealth android a la 'Alien' and 'Aliens') traipse around an asteroid. Many of them die... It's slow and dreary and it's impossible for any character to generate emotional traction with the audience'
from Dark Progeny by Jason A. Miller 22/12/03