The Ten best-acted villains by Will Jones 25/6/99

10. The Valeyard (Trial of a Time Lord) - Michael Jayston
The idea of an "evil Doctor" was such a good, if unoriginal one, it needed an excellent actor to fulfil it. Jayston is that actor. He was menacing and consistently evil while at the same time seeming a lot like our own dear Doctor.

9. Crozier (Mindwarp) - Patrick Ryecart
The coolest surgeon in the entire universe. Just look at him sip his tea before saving Kiv's life; look at the way he does everything at his own unhurried pace. The Chow Yun-Fat of surgery.

8. Anthony Ainley's Master
Granted, he wasn't Delgado, but he was damned good in the part. Ainley brought a more lighthearted, more trivial interpretation of the part to counterbalance the far greater evil his character was required to commit (ie Logopolis). Very effective.

7. Solon (The Brain of Morbius) - Philip Madoc
Another surgeon, less cool, more a nervous wreck, but a better villain. Madoc gives an excellent performance of a man pushed to insanity by one project, one dream.

6. Goth (The Deadly Assassin) - Bernard Horsfall
One of the most convincing enemies ever. The poor, gullible man is drawn into the Master's web of deceit and evil simply because he wants to be President. He's brought down to evil by greed.

5. Nyder (Genesis of the Daleks) - Peter Miles
Although he's also good in The Silurians, Miles was fantastic as part of the best villain double-act ever in Genesis. He plays Nyder as a genuine fascist, utterly loyal to Davros up until the bitter end, jackbooted and terrifyingly convincing. Also, his death is remarkable in that you feel sympathy for him.

4. Michael Wisher's Davros
The other, even better half of the Davros-Nyder double act. For me, it's this partnership more than anything that turns Genesis of the Daleks into a classic. Played with utter conviction and truth. Sure he's just another mad scientist but Wisher turns his madness into something wonderful.

3. Sharaz Jek (The Caves of Androzani) - Christopher Gable
We all know Sharaz Jek is a wonderful villain, and more than that, a wonderful character. But have you tried reading the script? He has the most over-the-top lines Robert Holmes ever wrote (not easy). Gable's brilliance is that he delivers them so well, not once do we question them. In a story full of villains, Jek is a total standout.

2. Roger Delgado's Master
The definitive Master. Cold, fanatical, completely evil, Delgado was able to make the flimsiest of plots and the least deadly of plans seem all-important. In a sense, the ultimate Doctor Who villain, but just beaten in my list by...

1. Kane (Edward Peel) - Dragonfire
Alright, it may not be a great story. But writer Ian Briggs saved his best writing for Kane, and Edward Peel knows exactly what he's doing when he delivers the lines. It seems that all involved - Briggs, Peel, director Chris Clough and even incidental music composer Mark Ayres worked overtime to make this villain memorable in an average adventure. His scenes with Belazs and with Ace are (excuse the pun) chilling, all down to the totally even, menacing delivery of lines from Peel. Truly, the best-acted Doctor Who villain of all time.

Ten Unanswered Questions by Mike Morris 25/6/99

Ten questions that have plagued Doctor Who watchers for many years... if any can be answered the lucky person wins nothing whatsoever. Except a perverse sort of pride, perhaps.

1. E-Space is another universe, there isn't a taxi service goes back and forth. Why has this obvious commercial opportunity never been exploited?
2. Who was the second-noblest Romana of them all?
3. Exactly how inoffensive is a chicken vol-au-vent?
4. What is the usual procedure for the prevention of the catharsis of spurious morality?
5. How far can a Megaluthian Slimeskinner bound?
6. What exactly is the inverse ratio between the size of the mouth and the size of the brain? (Is it greater or less than 1?)
7. Generally speaking, what is the philosophy of a cringing mouse?
8. What is the fluid linked to?
9. Is eternity a nice place to walk?
10. Most importantly of all... did that bloke who came up with the idea of the fast-return switch get the sack or not?

Ten Things not to say to Doctor Who monsters by Mike Morris 26/6/99

1. Well, I've heard of dickheads, but that eyepiece...
2. Come on Jek, relax. So you're ugly... so's Jo Brand, and she's not uptight about it... have a pint... I mean, where were you when the Sixties happened, man?
3. I know where you're coming from with this all in black look, Master, but I mean it's so passe... have you ever seen Vivienne Westwood's collection?
4. Of course girls like you, Davros, you just haven't found the right person yet. That's no excuse for having your left hand down there all day...
5. So, you're a Cyberman? Fancy an arm wrestle?
6. Look, Alpha Centauri, it's not the size that matters, it's what you do with it that counts...
7. Hey, Fenric, d'you fancy a game of Ludo? No? Snakes and Ladders? Draughts? Actually, have you ever played Buckaroo?
8. Call yourself an architect, Kroagnon? Remember, a house is a machine for living in... you just don't seem to inhabit your spaces sufficiently... this space doesn't really work properly... the structure lacks clarity... this cellular type design went out in the Fifties... have you ever heard of windows? (Erm, sorry, I'm studying architecture...)
9. Ah, the Black Guardian. I'll tell you what I told the Master...
10. So you're the Celestial Toymaker. Do you have the one of Obi-Wan Kenobi with the plastic cloak, it's worth a packet if it's still in its original box...

Ten Silly Story Titles - and what they should have been called by Mike Morris 27/7/99

1. Doctor Who and the Silurians. Obviously. Although, given that Malcolm Hulke's working title was the even worse "Doctor Who and the Monsters", perhaps we got off lightly. "The Silurians" would have been fine. Or how about this; "Dawn of the Eocenes"?
2. The Deadly Assassin. As opposed to all those non-deadly assassins you see hanging around, presumably. Apparently the working title was "The Dangerous Assassin", which is simply ludicrous and leads me to believe that Bob Holmes was taking the piss. "Eye of Harmony" would have been snappy, although it might have given the plot away a bit. "Assassin" would have been good too. Or better still, what about "This is specifically written to piss off the president of the DWAS"?
3. The Massacre of St. Bartholomew's Eve. Now that's snappy and dramatic, isn't it? Actually this is a kind of a compound entry for all those other Hartnell stories which have been given silly titles like 100,000 B.C., Dalek Cutaway and the like. It's time to stop this insanity now and call them by their proper names, dammit!
4. Kinda. Not particularly bad in itself, but until I saw the thing I thought it was pronounced as in "I feel kinda funny" - you know, the American abbreviation of "kind of"... then again, the only way of changing it is to change the name of the tribe, so I suppose we'd better leave it as it is.
5. The Two Doctors. Look, The Three Doctors and The Five Doctors were anniversary stories and hence forgivable. There's no excuse for The Two Doctors, which is just silly. What kind of response would they have got if the next story was called "One Doctor and a large-breasted companion on an unconvincing plastic planet"? A quick dig among the working titles reveals some cracking names as well; "The Androgum Inheritance", "The Seventh Augmentment" and, best of all, "Parallax".
6. The Invisible Enemy. Actually, I could see it perfectly well (more's the pity). What was wrong with "The Enemy Within"? And, if they'd used it then, they wouldn't be able to use it as a title (sort of) for the telemovie, which doesn't make any sense at all. Enemy within what, exactly?
7. Time and the Rani. Well, it is largely concerned with the Rani, so I suppose half of it's appropriate. Thing is, the story's so rubbish that I can't be bothered coming up with anything better. By the way, have you noticed that 90% of stories with "Time" in the title aren't up to much? Wonder why?
8. Revenge of the Cybermen. Isn't there a contradiction in terms here? This is one of three stories which had the working title "Return of the Cybermen", which isn't up to much, but I half-think it deserves to be there for sheer persistence. Alternatively you could call it "Pursuit", after the whole Pursuit of Voga thing, or just plain old "Planet of Gold".
9. Delta and the Bannermen. Which is just silly. "Flight of the Chimeron" will do fine.
10. City of Death. A bit too vague for my liking. And, given that only a few people die during the story, it's a bit inappropriate too. I mean, come on, if there's anywhere on earth which deserves to be called the City of Death, it's London, where I guy can't go to the shops without being gunned down by an Auton / killed by a lethal plague / menaced by a dinosaur then evacuated etc. I reckon this should be called "Quest of the Jagaroth" or "A Gamble with Time" (as originally intended).

Ten Great Story Titles by Mike Morris 28/7/99

Where there is light, there must also be dark, and all that malarkey. Hence, where there are terrible story titles, there are also ones that are well cool. Note that this doesn't mean that I think the story's any cop at all, as a lot of them aren't.

1. Image of the Fendahl - all, like, intriguing and stuff.
2. Arc of Infinity - sounds all epic and space-agey.
3. The Waking Ally - sounds great, and wins extra marks for bearing no relation at all to the events of The Dalek Invasion of Earth episode four. Or five. Oh, who cares?
4. The Mark of the Rani - whatever about the story, isn't "Rani" a cool word?
5. Spearhead from Space - Not only snappy, but alliterative as well!
6. Ghost Light - although "Life Cycle" would have been even better. The same applies to Survival, which is nice but not as good as "Catflap", which is not only quite clever but sounds a bit rude as well.
7. Timelash - well snappy. In fact, the story's most positive attribute by miles. It also deserves brownie points for being anagrammatical of "lame shit", which shows a post-modern bit of self-knowledge on behalf of the production team.
8. The Daemons - deserves an entry just for having that groovy character where the "a" and the "e" are stuck together. The Daemons was the second Who novelization I ever bought, aged eleven, for precisely that reason. So there.
9. The Talons of Weng-Chiang - which kicks ass, just edging out the similarly-themed The Claws of Axos.
10. Mawdryn Undead - a lot more enthralling than the actual episodes, and should hence maybe have been changed. It's not that ludicrous a statement - why else would they change "Storms Over Avalion" to Battlefield, after all?

My Ten Favourite Continuity Problems - and their explanations by Mike Morris 29/7/99

Doctor Who, as we all know, was produced largely by people who thought all of us fans were daft, and a load of continuity-obsessed anally retentive anoraks to boot (which, er, we aren't. Of course). So they often made colossal continuity goofs in the interest of drama, or sometimes just to give us something to pick over with our friends. Which is, of course, a lot of fun, in a perverse sort of way. Here are my ten favourite bloopers, and some half-baked solutions to go with them.

1. In Frontios, when the TARDIS explodes, what happens to Kamelion? A-ha, an interesting question indeed. It has been hypothesised that he turns into the hatstand, but as the Doctor gives it to Plantagenet at the end I don't buy that. Instead, I reckon that Kamelion - being inorganic but at the same time sentient - was configured as part of the TARDIS when he joined the Doctor's crew. He was spatially distributed with the TARDIS, and pulled back together at the end. It was probably during this disruption that the Doctor's control over him weakened and the Master reasserted himself. Or not.
2. How does the Master survive in Planet of Fire? Easy! It's an extension of the HADS (Hostile Action Displacement System) in his TARDIS, as seen in The Krotons. Detecting the danger to the Master via its telepathic field, his TARDIS dematerialises him and brings him back to the safety of the console room. The Doctor's TARDIS never does that 'cos it's not as good as the Master's, what with it only being a Mark One rather than a Mark Two and all, and anyway it would make all of his adventures kind of predictable.
3. In Frontios, how does the bar Tegan places across the door move? As anyone knows, it's possible for matter to make a "quantum leap" to another location according quantum mechanics. Having said that, the probability of this happening to anything bigger than say, an electron, is infinitesimal. However, the Tractator's gravity beams have warped the fabric of space-time to such an extent that quantum theory becomes distorted, and Tegan's bar spontaneously jumps from between the door handles to the top. Lucky for Captain Revere, that, or he'd never have got out of the room.
4. What's the timescale of the UNIT adventures? We all thought they were set in the near future until Mawdryn Undead went and stuffed everything up by claiming the Brigadier retired in 1977. The UNIT adventures are, in fact, contemporary - The Silurians (I'm NOT giving it it's full title) takes place in 1969, and Terror of the Zygons around 1976. The main objection to this is that Sarah says she comes from 1980 in Pyramids of Mars. The reason for this is that, during Sutekh's manifestation in the TARDIS at the start of that story, the TARDIS also collided with the version of Sarah that was time-scooped to Gallifrey for The Five Doctors. The two versions of Sarah became confused, and so the Sarah we see in Pyramids of Mars is (partially) a future version of Sarah. This temporal fault rights itself later on, and the Doctor explains what happened to her (he knew all along, but didn't see the point of mentioning it). As we all suspected, really.
5. Why does Hartnell's Doctor only have one heart? This is denoted in a couple of stories, notably "The Sensorites". This is because Hartnell's Doctor hasn't yet regenerated, and so hasn't attained full Time Lord biology (he's half-human, remember? Oh yes he is!!!). It's only after his first regeneration that his stronger Time Lord DNA fully asserts itself over his weaker human DNA and he becomes a full Time Lord.
6. How old is the Doctor? I'm sick of people moaning about how the Doctor's 450 when he's Troughton, thousands of years old when he's Pertwee, 750 when he's Tom Baker, 900 when he's Colin Baker and over 1000 when he's Sylvester. He's a time-traveller, remember? He's fully capable of just popping off, having a few hundred year's worth of adventures, then getting back in time for tea. A-ha, I hear you cry, but how can Pertwee be older than all the rest? Well, it's like this. The Doctor became thousands of years old during Season 6(b), after his trial but before Spearhead from Space, when he was forced to work for the CIA. After the The Three Doctors, however, this period of his existence was retroactively rescinded, and the whole thing never happened at all. So he got younger again. This neatly explains how, in The Two Doctors, the Sixth Doctor doesn't remember the adventure when he should have already had it - he has, in fact, met the "alternate" version of himself working for the CIA, and so this adventure had never happened to him before. Clever, eh?
7. What about the TARDIS's state of Temporal Grace? In case you've forgotten, the TARDIS is a clapped-out old Type 40, and it doesn't work properly. If the Doctor's really bothered the Temporal Grace thingummy works, like most things on the TARDIS. Usually, though, it doesn't. You might think the Doctor would have made sure it worked during Earthshock, as of course if it had worked he would have been able to save Adric. This shows that, like the rest of us, he was just sick to death of him. Oh, of course in "The Hand of Fear" the Doctor said it's because the occupants of the TARDIS don't exist when they're inside it, which contradicts my theory. This is explained by the fact that the Doctor was talking a load of rubbish, like he does from time to time.
8. How did Davros make that mind-control thingy between "Destiny" and "Resurrection of the Daleks" when he was in suspended animation the whole time. Because he wasn't, of course. He broke out, had a great adventure during which he learned that all the Time Lords are soft, that they can regenerate, etc. etc., but was ulimately defeated. This would, of course, make a cracking 8DA, although it's unlikely that any author would write a stupid fanwanky Dalek story that retconned established Doctor Who continuity for no particular reason, and besides probably wouldn't be a very good book anyway. What's that? War of the Daleks? Nope, haven't read it...
9. Who the hell is the Valeyard anyway, and what's he doing? Oh crikey, how do I know? I reckon that, contrary to popular opinion, he's not a future incarnation of the Doctor, but a past one. In fact, he's an evil counterpart of the Watcher, who is a distillation of the good side of the Doctor's nature (this is why the Fifth Doctor was such a goody-two shoes). He and the Watcher had a titanic battle before Logopolis, fighting for possession of the Doctor's body. The Watcher won and merged with the Doctor, whereas the Valeyard was banished and only returned for The Trial of a Time Lord. The Valeyard, at the end of this, took over the body of the Keeper of the Matrix in a similar way to the Master taking over Tremas in The Keeper of Traken. He was later defeated by the Doctor and destroyed utterly in an untelevised story. Hmm, speaking of fanwanky 8DA's, I wonder if there's an opening there? "Dear BBC Books..."
10. What's a temporal orbit? How come Grace and Chang Lee come back form the dead? What's the Eye of Harmony doing inside the TARDIS, rather than on Gallifrey where it's supposed to be? In short, what's going on in the telemovie? Well... erm... you see... oh come on, there's some things even I can't explain...

The Ten Best Master Quotes by Mike Morris 29/7/99

I've got to put my hands up and admit that the Master isn't my favourite character from the series... he's a bit too "comic-book" for my tastes. However, when well-used he provided the show with some great moments. Here are my favourite bits.

1. "I am the Master and you will obey me!" Deserves an inclusion for sheer persistence. From... well, any story you care to name, really.
2. "He sat there in his chair and quietly slipped away." From Terror of the Autons.
3. "It was a mistake to bring him here. We could have used anyone."
        "No, we could not have used anyone. You do not understand hatred as I understand it. Only hate keeps me alive." A chilling glimpse inside the Master's psyche, from The Deadly Assassin.
4. "This Traken web of harmony is broken. I am free!" From The Keeper of Traken.
5. "Logopolis is a cold place... a cold high place overlooking the universe. It holds a single great secret, Nyssa." A lovely atmospheric quote, from Logopolis.
6. "It's always innocent bystanders who suffer." A perceptive put-down from Colony in Space.
7. "You... killed my father?"
        "But his body remains useful." Chillingly careless evil, from Logopolis.
8. "You are all animal now. You're so weak, your will devoured... a stronger mind will hold on to itself longer. A will as strong as mine... how much longer? If I am to suffer this degradation, this humiliation, if I am to become an animal then like an animal I will destroy you, Doctor. I will. Hunt you, trap you, and destroy you." Probably my favourite of all. A magnificent soliloquy from Survival.
9. "Life is wasted on the living!" One of the better bits of wit from the telemovie.
10. "Overweight, underpowered museum piece... might as well try to fly a second-hand gas stove." The Master on the Doctor's TARDIS, from The Claws of Axos.

10 Stories That Look Great in Black and White by Mike Morris 31/7/99

Yes folks, it's here! After hours of not particularly painful research - apart from when I thought I'd better give Mindwarp a go - here is my list of ten stories that look better if you watch them in Black and White. Turn the contrast on your telly up full, turn down the brightness a bit and enjoy!

1. Frontios
2. Horror of Fang Rock
3. Image of the Fedahl - loads of spooky shadows and stuff.
4. Terror of the Zygons
5. The Mind of Evil/The Ambassadors of Death Okay, a bit of a cheat since these only exist in Black and White anyway. But don't they look all expensive and gritty because of that?
6. The Happiness Patrol - which surprised me, since the jolly design is one of the things I like about this story. But in monochrome it looks very dark and brooding. Actually, I got some images from The Happiness Patrol and put the scenery in monochrome but left the colourful bits in colour (like those scenes in the gardens in Warriors' Gate), and they look well nifty (yes, I do have too much time in my hands). An option the Beeb should give us if the story ever sees the light of day on DVD, methinks...
7. Terminus
8. Underworld - well, the CSO isn't as awful, anyway...
9. Vengeance on Varos - looks a damn sight less tacky, and you don't have to look at that bloody coat either!
10. The Deadly Assassin - partially. The Gallifrey scenes look great in B & W, but the matrix scenes should definitely be left in colour. Again, an option for DVD release in years to come?

Ten Favourite Stories by Mike Morris 1/8/99

It just occurred to me... all the frivolous top ten lists I've submitted, and I've never submitted the most obvious one. To my horror, it was damn difficult... and you should have seen my face when I had to leave Caves, Horror of Fang Rock and Greatest Show off the list...

1. The Androids of Tara - Witty, cheerful, Baker at the height of his powers, a marvellous villain in Count Grendel and the portrayal of the Doctor as a swashbuckling hero make this simply wonderful.
2. City of Death Beautifully plotted, with a great performance by Julian Glover and some wonderfully inventive SF ideas. All this and so much wit, and location filming in Paris to boot. And John Cleese!
3. Warriors' Gate Perhaps the most intelligent piece of pure SF ever to grace the small screen. Visually astonishing, possibly the best directed serial ever, with some wonderful characters and a marvellous performance by Baker, this is a flawless piece of television.
4. The Curse of Fenric A terrific tale in every way, and there's not really a lot I can say about it that hasn't been said before. If ever a Trekkie tries to claim his program's better than yours, show him this and shut the swine up for all time...
5. Inferno 30 years old, Inferno hasn't dated at all. A horror story, a love story and an apocalyptic tale full of emotion, for its time this is undoubtedly the greatest story ever.
6. Ghost Light Complex, full of black humour and some marvellous scenes, Ghost Light is never anything less than compelling. A tremendous tale, full of surreal characters and done justice by a top-notch cast.
7. Kinda Astonishing, exploding with religious references amd graced with a disturbing portryal of madness by Simon Rouse, this is nigh-on perfect.
8. The Deadly Assassin Politically literate, this is the definitive Doctor - Master conflict. Part Three was years ahead of its time, and the weighty Gallifreyan background adds a lot to the tale.
9. The Talons of Weng-Chiang A simple piece of horror-SF masterfully told. The triumph of Talons is the ease with which it transports us to a Victorian world of giant rats, murderous marionettes and horrors from the future. A superb bit of storytelling.
10. The Ribos Operation A human drama brimming with beautifully conceived characters, full of humour, drama and pathos. The mad soliloquy of the Graf Vynda K and Binro's 'worth a life' scene are masterpieces. Superb.

20 Handy Tips for Survival in the Doctor Who Universe by Mike Morris 29/10/99

It could happen to anyone... a blue box vworps into your neighbourhood, an eccentric stranger starts babbling to you about time travel, and before you know it you're lost in the Doctor Who universe. Don't panic, though - just follow these simple rules and you won't be killed off like all the other supporting characters.

1. People who dress in black are charismatic, but evil. Steer well clear.
2. People who dress in white are nice but dull. They also tend to have unimaginable powers and will sacrifice you for the greater good. Steer well clear.
3. Green lifeforms are, without exception, psychotic creatures intent on destroying mankind. Steer well clear.
4. Aim for the eyepiece.
5. All that stuff about "they can't go up stairs" is just wishful thinking. If trapped by a Dalek, however, don't panic; it will invariably shout "Exterminate" at you for five minutes, gicing you ample time to escape.
6. Guns are absolutely useless; approximately 90% of alien lifeforms are impervious to bullets. Just run away instead, as the same 90% are generally inacapable of moving at speeds faster than a lumber.
7. The eyepiece. The stalk at the top of the dome.
8. Be careful when walking, as it's possible to twist your ankle just about anywhere.
9. Nasty monsters tend to hide out in a) the sea b) sewers or c) a handy cave. Steer well clear.
10. Plastic is evil. Steer well clear.
11. The eyepiece!!!
12. Alien lifeforms are not, repeat NOT all evil, in spite of the overwhelming statistical evidence to the contrary. The exception to this rule is intelligent vegetable life, which will invariably try and destroy all animal life in the universe. Steer well clear.
13. Generally speaking, any metal lifeform is bad. Steer well clear.
14. The military have astonishing powers of making people forget the most astonishing events. Examples include huge sea monsters attacking parliament buildings and dinosaurs roaming about London. Don't let this worry you, though - splendid chaps, all of them.
15. Jelly babies are an invaluable tool of interplanetary diplomacy.
16. Fitting a Fast Return Switch in your time machine is, generally speaking, A Very Bad Idea.
17. Making vital pieces of equipment out of mercury is also, generally speaking, A Very Bad Idea.
18. Temporal Paradoxes are, of course, impossible. However, they exist all over the place. Steer Well Clear. While I'm on the point, if you ever wake up to find yourself surrounded by impossibly nice people in silly uniforms, the chances are that you've landed in the Star Trek universe. If so, watch out for "Space Time Anomalies" - the bloody things are so common that they shouldn't really be called anomalies at all.
19. Generally speaking, most alien lifeforms are evil. Steer well clear.
20. In fact, almost everything you come across will be evil, or dangerous, or both. Steer well clear. In fact, if I were you I wouldn't leave the house.

Ten Silly Mistakes Made By Doctor Who Villains by Mike Morris 29/11/99

1. The Fendahl. A creature that "is death", one of the most powerful adversaries that the Doctor ever came up against, capable of manipulating mankind's evolution for its own evil ends. Although naming its unwitting pawn "Fendleman" was a bit of a dead giveaway, and choosing a planet where the one substance that could kill it was in plentiful supply was a bit stupid as well.
2. Daleks. Oh, where to start? But if you're hatching a plot to invade Earth, and cure a virus, and whatever it was that they were up to in Resurrection of the Daleks, making a specific effort to include the Doctor in events was a bit stupid. I mean, they must have realised that their track record against him wasn't that great...
3. Ice Warriors. Not killing the Doctor because... he's a genius? Is it me, or was that a somewhat lame excuse?
4. Cybermen. Actually, Cybermen have quite a good track record in this department, what with them being slaves to logic and all. Locking the Doctor and a Cryon suicide bomber in a room full of explosives in Attack of the Cybermen is a sad blemish on their record, however.
5. The Master. Look, just kill the Doctor, would you? You'd make life a lot easier on yourself.
6. Zygons. Fitting a self-destruct mechanism on board their ship, just inside the front door and next to the detention block (rather than somewhere secure like you might expect), left them a bit open to sabotage.
7. Vardans. Just go home, guys. You're rubbish.
8. Sontarans. Gallifrey is known throughout the galaxy as being an immensely powerful civilisation. So trying to invade it with an army of six was a bit optimistic.
9. Fenric. Look, maybe I'm missing out on the depth of this story, but why didn't Fenric tell the Doctor to sod his game of chess, kill him, and then destroy everyone or unleash evil on the universe or whatever it was that he wanted to do? And while I'm at it, he can't be all that powerful if he can get corked up in a crappy old bottle for seventeen centuries.
10. Sutekh. Ah yes, another villain with unimaginable powers, bent on destroying all life, etc. etc. Except Egyptians, presumably. For no discernible reason he went down a space-time corridor to England instead, thus allowing the Doctor to defeat him. Phew, Earth was lucky there.

10 Differences Between "The Trial of a Time Lord" and the O.J. Simpson Trial... by Mike Morris 10/1/00

1. Johnny Cochrane said, "If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit." He didn't say, "I wish to adumbrate two seperate epistopic interfaces of the continuum." But he should have.
2. The Doctor wasn't tried again later on and made to pay millions of quid's worth of compensation to the Tribe of the Free for wrecking their totem pole. Although that's an opening for an EDA if ever I've heard one...
3. Johnny Cochrane has been amusingly parodied on South Park. The Valeyard hasn't.
4. No-one tried to get O.J. executed because they thought he was going to commit genocide in the future (apparently U.S. and Gallifreyan law differ slightly with regard to crimes that haven't actually been committed yet).
5. O.J. didn't prevent the catharsis of spurious morality by triggering a ray-phase shift. Shame.
6. The Time Lords caught the Doctor by using a sort of white beamy thingummy. There were no car-chases involved. Shame.
7. O.J. didn't leave afterwards with a companion that he hadn't actually met yet. In fact, Bonnie Langford didn't feature at all. Nor did any unconvincing vegetable men. And a good job too.
8. It isn't possible to buy O.J.'s trial as part of a limited edition box set that comes in a rather nifty tin. Presumably no-one thinks that anyone would be interested in a load of boring old nonsense in a courtroom. We Doctor Who fans know better.
9. None of the prosecution lawyers were revealed to be a distillation of O.J.'s evil side that would surface between his twelfth and final incarnations, largely because that would just have been silly.
10. At no point during the Doctor's trial did Lynda Bellingham start blubbing and ask for the whole thing to be stopped. Well, not on camera, anyway.

...and 10 Similarities

1. BBC Books aren't interested in submissions featuring the Valeyard. Similarly, plotlines where Johnny Cochrane tries to take over the universe will be rejected. Believe me, I know this through bitter experience.
2. Instalments of O.J.'s trial would have been far more exciting if they'd ended with a "tcheeeuuuuuuw" noise and a cliffhanger. Instead, we just got a close-up of his face at an otherwise uneventful moment. Sound familiar?
3. The Doctor's main bone of contention was that the evidence had been tampered with by a corrupt legal system out to get him at any cost. So was O.J.'s.
4. "The Valeyard" is a very, very silly name. So is "Moses Shapiro".
5. Both the Doctor and O.J. were innocent. Oh yes they were.
6. Both the 6th Doctor and O.J. are tossers. Oh yes they are.
7. In neither trial did the Master play a significant role in the unfolding of events. He showed up at the Doctor's trial, though, and claimed to have been 'entertained' by what he'd seen so far. Glad someone was.
8. We didn't see the juror's faces in either trial. At the Doctor's trial they all wore big coloured fibreglass things around their head and sat with their backs to the screen. At O.J.'s trial the rather more sensible measure of keeping them off-screen was taken.
9. "O.J. Simpson" is an exact anagram of "Perpugilliam Brown". Oh, all right, I made that one up.
10. Both trials were initially promising, but turned out to be dull, incomprehensible, baffling to the casual viewer, overlong, and had highly unsatisfactory conclusions that left a lot of questions unanswered. And I didn't enjoy either of them one bit.

My Ten Least Favourite Stories by Mike Morris 19/2/00

Note; when I say "least favourite", I don't mean the worst. Bad stories are often extremely amusing and hence wonderful (prime example being The Power of Kroll). A lot of the stuff here isn't without merit, it's just damn irritating or dull or... well, you'll find out. So here goes;

1. Time and the Rani. The passage above notwithstanding, this is completely and utterly without merit.
2. The Time Monster. Dull, dull, dull, dull. Nice soliloquy for the Doctor, but that's no excuse.
3. The Trial of a Time Lord. Well, I couldn't leave it out, could I? It's got some good bits (Part Thirteen, Peri's death) but it's too long, riddled with plot holes, and has that rubbish cliffhanger noise. Presumably to complement the rubbish cliffhangers. But it does come in that nifty tin, I guess.
4. The Armageddon Factor. Well directed, and not without merit, but come on... a studio-bound six-parter? Completely muffs up an otherwise flawless season.
5. The Mutants. Do I really have to say why?
6. Attack of the Cybermen. Some terrific scenes, notably that guy's cybernetic arm. But the plot holes really stuff it up. It should have been absolutely brilliant, but it's not. So I hate it.
7. The Hand of Fear. Two brilliant episodes. An OK third one. And then Part Four just goes ahead and makes the whole venture worthless. Waste of time.
8. Death to the Daleks. Tired, generic, dull, blessed with woeful incidental music, a woeful city, a pointless inclusion of the Daleks... I could go on all day. And the title's crap.
9. The Twin Dilemma. There ARE some good bits. But it's just too damn boring at the end of the day.
10. Arc of Infinity. Nifty title. But it turns Gallifrey into a really, really crap place to be, and makes all Time Lords incredibly stupid, even Borusa. Colin Baker's performance almost saves it. But that awful music consigns it firmly to the dustbin. Shame.

Ten Lines From Doctor Who That Are Useful In General Situations by Mike Morris 5/5/00

The Doctor said some funny things, and some clever things, and some silly things. Part of the joy of being a Doctor Who fan, of course, is repeating these lines in everyday life and pretending you thought of them yourself. Here are some of my favourites.

1. SITUATION - Trying to get your deposit back on a flat you've trashed.
   LINE - "Entropy increases... the more you put things together the more they fall apart, and that's the essence of the second law of thermodynamics and I never heard a truer word spoken..."
   EFFECTIVENESS - 6/10.
2. SITUATION - someone asks you where you're going.
   LINE - "Are you talking philosophically or geographically?"
   EFFECTIVENESS - You will either make the person laugh, or they won't know what you're talking about but will presume you're quite clever. 9/10 or 2/10 depending on which.
3. SITUATION - You're making an argument in favour of pacifism.
   LINE - "If we fight like animals we die like animals."
   EFFECTIVENESS - 7/10. But don't kneel down in the middle of the road and shout it.
4. SITUATION - Chatting someone up.
   LINE - "Excuse me, what's your opinion on the nature of existence? Do you hold any theological opinions?"
   EFFECTIVENESS - You're on a loser. 0/10.
5. SITUATION - Offering someone a jelly baby.
   LINE - "Would you like a jelly baby?"
   EFFECTIVENESS - Short and to the point. 9/10.
6. SITUATION - You're losing an argument in the pub, and you're accused of being irrational.
   LINE - "Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority."
   EFFECTIVENESS - This really, really never fails. Honest. 10/10.
7. SITUATION - You're winging it while doing something very, very important.
   LINE - "A good solid hope's worth a cartload of certainties."
   EFFECTIVENESS - Some people buy it. 5/10.
8. SITUATION - You're ridiculously drunk and accused of making no sense whatsoever.
   LINE - "Well, anyone can talk sense..."
   EFFECTIVENESS - 1/10 to 7/10 (depending on how drunk you are)
9. SITUATION - You wish to adumbrate two seperate epistopic interfaces of the continuum.
   LINE - "I wish to adumbrate two seperate epistopic interfaces of the continuum."
   EFFECTIVENESS - It gets the message across, but there aren't many occasions when you can work it into conversation. 3/10.
10. SITUATION - You're being held at gunpoint by a psychopath.
    LINE - "Look me in the eye, pull the trigger, end my life."
    EFFECTIVENESS - I've never met anyone who tried it. And lived. Unknown.

TOP TEN ACTORS WHO'D MAKE INTERESTING DOCTORS by Rob Matthews 14/3/00

Paul McGann? Pah! A predictable composite of Davison, T. Baker and Pat Troughton. Thirteen lives? Bah! When they were trying to make the McCoy doc more mysterious, they really ought to have had Susan show up and let slip that her grandfather had actually regenerated eight hundred times before. Instant mystery! And, what's more, unlimited license for future actor changes...

10 - Arnold Schwarzenneger
A real carpet-biting conservative who'd divert all that flak away from Pertwee. Imagine his words to the Rani, 'Put down that test tube and go raise some children'. Here, no doubt, is a Doctor who would LOVE to be president of Gallifrey, spending way too much tax money on Eye of Harmony upkeep and the like. But Chancellor Flavia Shriver would be there to keep him in check.

9 - Ian McDiarmid
Darth Sidious himself. Well, there hasn't been a truly old Doctor since William Hartnell.

8 - Eddie Izzard
A Doctor always willing to listen to his enemy's point of view, with a penchant for makeup and bizarre stream-of-consciousness ramblings. He'd probably be constantly fiddling with his Tardis, and it would end up full of talking cows, Roman soldiers and Daleks who talk like Sean Connery. His solutions to problems would always be totally unpredictable.

7 - Humphrey Bogart
Okay, he's long-dead. This is all just fantasy anyway. He'd be exiled to Earth and forced to work as a private eye in 1940's California. Bitter at the hand he'd been dealt by the Timelords, his long-repressed sex drive would resurface, and with it, his misogyny. But he'd deal with that in the course of his quest to find the Maltese Omega, a valuable artefact which the Master (played by Sydney Greenstreet) is trying to obtain through a group of hypnotised racketeers. The Maltese Omega, of course, is a Gallifreyan artefact that somehow wound up on Earth several centuries before.

6 - Christopher Walken
I'm thinking the kind of look he had in Batman Returns. The Doctor would be an utterly sinister character who only just manages to remain a hero, but often by very questionable methods. And perhaps there'd be some doubt about his regeneration scene, a suggestion that maybe he's actually an evil being who took over the Doc's body mid-change.

5 - Stephen Fry
The most wry and verbose Doctor yet. He'd be true to the character but still feel original. In his era, there'd be a big renaissance of historical stories as the Doctor takes it upon himself to go back through time and trace the development of the English language, in an attempt to understand why everyone else in the whole bloody universe speaks it as well. And don't give me that 'Timelord gift' crap. Or 'the aristocracy of chronology's multi-linguistic aural predisposition balderdash', as Doctor Fry might put it.

4 - Mike Myers
No, I'm not thinking Austin Powers. But I'm sure this dedicated anglophile could do something cool and funny with the part. At the same time, he has that 'old soul' quality which means you can take him seriously as well. Who would oppose him as the Master? Mike Myers of course!

3 - Jonathan Rhys Meyers
You thought Davison's Doctor was an old man in a young man's body. Wait until you see this pretty young thing doing turbo Hartnell. Oh, the endless potential for the bizarre.

2 - Kelsey Grammer>
An actor justly described as the Laurence Olivier of sitcom. And just think, he'd barely have to adapt his Frasier persona at all; explaining things to his companion, Daphne, over a cafe latte in the Tardis, devastating Davros's self-confidence with a sharp remark about those gaudy baubles on his wheelchair, diagnosing the source of the Sontaran's hostility as a 'textbook case of neck envy'. Oh, the possibilties.

1 - John Cleese
A somewhat unhinged incarnation of the Doc. Think of the chaos when he discovers his companion is keeping a hideous flesh-eating beast as a pet, and then it gets loose only moments before the Tardis inspector arrives. And, of course, just before he finally regenerates he'll say 'And now for something completely different...'

My Ten favourite Doctor Who Stories by James Robson 29/3/00

1. The Caves of Androzani I have to follow the crowd in this instance, because it is pure magic. A strong discourse in morality, a glittering script and amazing performances. This is one of the all time greats and Davison makes the most impressive exit to date. Doctor Who had never been so 'real' up until this point.
2. Revelation of the Daleks Harper is the king of Doctor Who direction and this is surely the last of the hardcore behind the sofa stories. This is an observational masterpeice - looking at the more grusome aspects of human nature. Baker is at his best, the score is breath taking again the cast are excellent. It's an uncompromising gem.
3. The Curse of Fenric This is Sylvester's finest hour and Sophie Aldred makes the part of Ace her own. An old fashioned Doctor Who thriller updated for the nineties. Visually stunning, Fenric boasts an adult script that brings out the very best of the vampire/espionage genre.
4. Robots of Death Whodunnit romp that brings out the very best of Doctor Who. High drama, well written characters an engaging plot and some classic stand alone scenes. The Robots themselves are a masterpeice of design and direction and their attacks on the crew make for arresting but enjoyable television.
5. The Aztecs The earliest signs of the programme establishing it's superior quality. Tense, claustrophobic and dramatic, this is a lesson in the politics of culture and brutality, that exceeds it's tea time trappings. The contrasts between savagery and sophistication are crafted into the plot with superiority on the part of the writer and the attention to deatail in terms of production prove just how important the historicals were in the begining.
6. Ghost Light Admitedley, it takes patience on the part of the viewer, but once absorbed, Ghost Light is one of the most rewarding Doctor Who adventures. Superb scripts make for very interesting observations regarding social interaction and the serial also boasts a symbolic charm that is problematic and challenging at once. The production is perfect and the sense of occasion grand.
7. Enlightenment The most sensual of the televised adventures, this one really makes you think. With some fascinating characters based on the concepts of Otherness, Enlightenment delves into the world of self recognition and emotional satisfaction with genuine warmth. The sight of the old fashoined sailing ships in space is a gentle one, in keeping with the story itself.
8. Ark In Space Doctor Who did the 'Alien' thing FIRST and let's not forget it. With disturbing themes of body horror and the advancements of science, The Ark in Space is one of the most absorbing adventures. Tom Baker is a sheer joy and the design work is faultless. This is a writer who knows his stuff, perfectly supported by a producer who was to take the programme to new heights.
9. The Curse of Peladon Misguided fanaticism, class struggle, political intrigue and the fight for survival. Peladon is one of the programe's most effective environments and all of the issues mentioned above make for some powerful drama. But let's not foget Aggaddor, Alpha Centuri and Jo's love interest and the revelation concerning the Ice Warriors. This is also Doctor Who at it's most fun.
10. The Happiness Patrol Scraping into my Top Ten is the one 'oddball' story I love. A cruel, hilarious and brilliant satirical attack on Thatcher's Power - The Happiness Patrol is both clever and ludicrus. The underlying campness is hard to dislike and some of characters and performances are in a sense.. simply fantastic. There has never been such a story and there probably never will be again.

The 12 best and the worst scenes by Keith Glab 1/5/00

Top 12 Doctor Who Scenes (with at least 1 from each Doctor):

1. Time Monster: Timeram scene
2. War Games: Doctor meets War Chief
3. Pyramids of Mars: Sutekh destroys the Eye of Horus
4. Happiness Patrol: Doctor disarms snipers
5. Sea Devils: Swordfight scene
6. Logopolis: Doctor nearly gets a formal arrest
7. The Rescue: Doctor confronts Koquillion
8. The Ultimate Foe: The Master reveals the Valeyard to be the Doctor
9. Carnival of Monsters: Queensbury boxing scene
10. City of Death: Doctor first meets Count Scarlioni
11. Caves of Androzani: Doctor and Peri are executed
12. The Invasion: The Cybermen emerge from the sewers

Worst 10 Doctor Who Scenes (with at least 1 from each Doctor):

1. Timelash: "I'll explain someday" scene
2. Survival: Motorcycle crash
3. Kinda: The Mara is "trapped" in a circle of mirrors
4. The Chase: That whole haunted house bit
5. Robot: Thinktank lady "shields herself" from gunfire with Sarah
6. Warrior's Gate: Fight scene where an axe falls on the Doctors back
7. The Daemons: Jo unwittingly destroys Azal
8. Time Flight: Bubble Creatures attack Nyssa
9. Aztecs: Ian's first fight scene
10. Mind Robber: Episode 4 Pandemonium Sequence
11. Warriors of the Deep: Ninja Doctor attacks Myrka
12. Image of the Fendahl: Disgusting old lady prophesizes